The Highs and Lows of My Ex-Gay Testimony

The Highs & Lows of My Ex-Gay Testimony

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Welcome. My name is Montreea. Last week of Pride Month 2020. We made it. Thank God. This week, we’re just going to take it easy. I’m going to be sharing with you “The Highs and Lows of My Ex-Gay Testimony” and boy, do I have some stories to tell.

Our scripture today is Jeremiah 29:11, and it reads as such.

For I know the thoughts that I think towards you saith the Lord. Thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end. Amen.

Bow your heads. Father God, thank you for bringing me this far. You were faithful. You remained with me and we are at the finish line. Thank you for your ideas, your wit, your humor – your truth. I ask that you open up the floodgates of heaven right now. Amen.

My Three Worst Wigs

my ex-gay testimony wigFirst off, one of the things that I really worked hard at was leaving the lifestyle, but also leaving my lifestyle of living and presenting myself as male. So I thought it would be great to talk about that gray area where you really couldn’t tell what I was.

And let’s start off by giving you my three worst wigs ever. Number three, this one, I call “The Lion King”. Baby. Hunchay. This was my very first wig. I didn’t know how to wear a wig. I didn’t know what I was gonna look like in a wig. My head is really small, so wigs have never been really good for me. So I put this big thing on and I decided I was gonna go to church, even though I didn’t have any women’s clothes.

I show up to church with this thing, balanced on my head, trying to keep it from falling off. I’m sitting in church like this. I’m just trying to keep this thing from falling off. Elder Robinson was my behind me. He taps me on the shoulder.

He says, “Sister Bailey.”

I’m afraid to turn my head. So I’m just holding. “Yes, minister. How can I help you?”

“Sister Bailey, I need to talk to you.”

“Minister, how can I help you? Good morning. Good morning.”

“Sister Bailey.”

I knew he was gonna tell me my wig was cocked to the side. “Yes, elder. How, can I help you?”

“I just wanted to tell you, you look great!”

I was like, “I do with this big old pigeon looking thing on my head?” It’s like, “Yes, you look amazing.”

That was the first time anybody told me that I looked anywhere near close to decent with women’s hair. I remember when I posted that up on Facebook. So many of you all told me. I look great. Thank you for telling me that. My goodness. Thank goodness that I let go of The Lion King.

Number two on worst wigs of all time during my ex-gay testimony. Honey, the “Why you got your Grandma wig on?” wig. Bay bay. Whoever made this wig – they should be forced to wear this thing for the rest of their life. Horrible. I mean, I’m so glad that the Lord brought me outta that one. I don’t even have no stories for that one. I don’t even wanna talk about the churches that I went to in that one.

And the number one worst wig of all time during my testimony, hands down is the “Dolly Parton gone wrong” wig. Baby on tour in Brazos Valley, honey, I’ll never forget that because I was still wearing men’s clothes, but I was still experimenting with, you know, the hair.

I got into the church. I get in there with this big oversized wig and every one was so complimentary and everyone was so encouraging, even though I looked like something out of a wig shop gone wrong. Thank you my three worst wigs. And thank you, God. I have been able to find a look that I believe fits me a little bit better. Like I said, in the previous video, I ain’t America’s next time model, but honey, I most certainly ain’t no booga wolf.

My Struggles with Alcohol and Rejection

One of the lows that I have experienced with my testimony has been my up and down struggle with alcohol abuse. I’ve talked about it, quite candidly in my music and on my mixtapes. You all have seen the picture of me in the limousine. This was really pretty much at the height of my popularity. Over the years throughout my testimony, what I have done is just worked on it.

Sometimes I’ve done great. Sometimes I’ve done bad. And I finally got to a point where I just asked God, “You know, do I need to go to rehab?”

And He said, “Well, the first thing you need to do is decide if you’re gonna quit. If you tell me you want to quit, I will help you.”

my ex-gay testimony drunkI did it like I did everything else. It was a process. I used to drink two Heinekens a day. Every day. After a while I decided I do one a day. Did that for a couple of months. Then I got down to half a Heineken a day. Then I went to half a Heineken every other day. And it finally got to a point where I just became a social drinker. If I went out to dinner, if I went out and had dinner with family, if I went to a party or something, I would have it then. 

And I thought I was doing really well, but God really challenged me one day. It’s just like homosexuality. I just stopped. I’m in a very great place with it right now, alcohol and drug free. Amen. Won’t He do it? You can do it too. It all comes down to one thing.

See, we pick up these things in the gay culture. We pick up things like alcohol abuse and drug abuse. And we’re good to get out of these intimate relationships with people of the same sex, but we still struggle with things. Do you want to quit?

You have to understand God’s not interested in your excuse. You didn’t have no excuse when it was time to go up to the gay club and act a fool. You didn’t have any excuses when it was time to go and do drag shows. You might not have had the proper dresses. You might not have had the proper support. You went up there anyway and did your drag shows. 

If you want to quit abusing your body, you have to make the choice that I want to quit. I will never go back to that person in the limousine. I’m doing well. Pray for your girl. I don’t ever want to go back. Amen. Amen.

Rejection. Rejection is a very, very integral part of the ex-gay testimony for a couple of reasons. Number one, evil doesn’t need a reason to hate you. As long as you have this testimony, somebody somewhere is going to hate you. I have really struggled with rejection probably more than I’ve ever let on to anyone. And it’s because I’m a private person and I like to deal with those types of things privately.

People love to see us struggle as ex-gays. People love to see us down. When I felt rejection, I’d just come home and get in the studio and pray. Rejection also helps with the crucifixion of your flesh. If you’re always out here and people are always patting you on the back and always telling you how awesome you are, what happens is your head explodes, and God can no longer be a part of your life.

He has to implement things in your life that will cause you to lean on him. But what I love about God and rejection, my goodness, he always comes back and replenishes. Woo! I love that about God, listen to something that I wanna read for you. This is a great example of the emails that I get from all around the world. People who are just angry about the testimony.

Hello minister, thank you for writing. I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that because I am gay and I wouldn’t change the way that I am, even if I could, because homosexuality is not a disease or something that can be cured or freed of. We are people like everyone else, just looking to be happy. And I believe in God and I come from a very religious family and God loves us all in every way. 

It’s a shame that there’s people in the world that say they’re on God’s side, but they’re rejecting people for their sexual orientation. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and God makes no mistakes, ma’am. The most kind, honest and intelligent people are gay. And I’m so happy that everyday I get to see more gay people become successful. Love is not a sin. A love is love in any way. Thank you.

After I received this message, the Lord chastised me. He told me not don’t you ever reach out for help until you ask me first. After I read this, the Holy Spirit came over me and told me, why do you need somebody to help you put up a website? Why do you need somebody to help you with Go into the studio, get on YouTube and figure it out yourself. 

And that’s how we got You use the most cutting rejection to bounce back and do the best that God has in your abilities, skillset, and talent. Amen. If it wasn’t for this email, you would’ve never gotten


Telling my Testimony to a Church of Gays

Despite the rejection that I’ve been through, despite the troubles that I’ve had with cross dressing, despite the issues that I’ve had in the past with alcohol, I’ve had some wonderful, wonderful victories. And one of the victories that I had was on the night of my mother’s birthday party. Here’s a picture of the party. And you’ll notice in the picture that I’m not there. 

I was told by God, thank you, God, that I would be missing my mother’s birthday party this particular year. I was adamantly and vehemently against going anywhere but that party, because I lost my father suddenly, and I did not wanna miss any more family functions, particularly those that celebrated my mother.

God insisted that I go to this church and sing. So I came up with a plan. Fine. God fine. I’ll go to this church and I will sing, but as long as I don’t have the testimony, I can make it to this party. So I get to the church. I sit at the back. I’m waiting for them to call my name.

The lady comes and hands me the mic and says, “You’ll be singing next.”

I’m like, great. This is great. Sing one song. Get outta here. I just wanna be out. I wanna get to this party. So she walks off. I’m in the clear – no problem.

She turns around. She says, “Oh, by the way, we’d love to hear your testimony.”

And I’m like, oh great. This particular night, this church had a very heavy, homosexual spirit in it. There were a lot of gays and lesbians in the audience.

Surveying the audience, there were a lot of people on their phones. There were people who are obviously not preparing for worship. There were people who were taking this very lightly. I just thought it was a waste of my time. I was so livid that God had brought me and taken me away from my mama’s birthday party to be at this church, to sing this song and to share my testimony.

My time comes up and I finally gotta go to the front of the church and share my testimony. No one’s paying any attention to me. I figured the church is packed with all these gays and lesbian. Nobody is going to listen to the testimony. The testimony is going to be rejected.

As I began to share the testimony, all of these gay men and women began to put their phones down. I knew immediately the spirit was moving. Immediately. I was like, oh boy, something’s about to happen. I began to share the testimony and gay men begin to weep. I remember there was a stud on the second row. The tears began to flow down her face. I sang and baby, the Holy Ghost took off in church – unlike anything I’ve ever seen.

Gay men and women began to shout all over the church, praising God, lifting their hands. I know how to yield to the Holy Spirit. So once my testimony was over, I went back to my seat. They were still shouting and praising God. I sat there.

The Lord told me, “Don’t you dare leave this church to go to your mother’s party. I just want you to sit here until the end of this service.”

The same gay people that I thought were going to reject the testimony were so open. A big man, about six feet tall from the other side of the church came over and he sat and began to kneel next to me. And he began to cry and he whispered in my ear, “I just can’t stop having sex with men.” He and I held hands and I prayed for him.

Another gay guy on the other side of the church began to yell, “Fire, fire, Holy Ghost fire.”

And I was such in awe of God. And that man that night, I don’t know if he ever left homosexuality, but these gay men and women experienced God on a level that they had never experienced before. Not because of me, but because of God working through me, that was a victory because I was humble enough. First of all, to obey and humble enough to sit back and let God move and not make it a about me.


Salutations & An Invitation to Christ

He has victories for you too. He has rejection. Some of you are dealing with alcohol and drug abuse. Some of you all are still dealing with gender presentation. Some of you all are still engaging in homosexuality. You know what? God ain’t worried about all that. Today you can be free. Why? You want victory. Aren’t you tired? “Well I don’t feel like I’m losing.” Okay. What you watching this video for?

I’m going to extend an invitation of Christ, but I wanna do a few more things before we do that. I wanna thank a few people that have helped me along the way. My mother, who has been there when I was her son. And now that I am her daughter, she’s been there the entire way. Mom, I love you. I know I’m not your warm fuzzy child. I love you. Even when I don’t show it. I love you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally.

My Bishop and first lady who welcomed me into a church. My Bishop did not know I was a woman at first and the women of the church had to go explain to him. That’s a woman. My Bishop and his wife accepted me into the church, never, ever, ever judged me for being the outcast of the church, coming in there, looking straight up male. Thank you for loving me.

And the last person I would like to thank for my church is Evangelist B. If you have The Transformer mix tape, that is her sermon that I have sampled and chopped up. I’ve interwoven it in and out of the mix tape. She talks about Edumacation. Evangelist B. has always been very honest with me. She doesn’t tell me the things that I want to hear. She tells me the things that I need to hear. Thank you, Evangelist B. I love you.

One more thing to share before I extend an invitation of Christ and we close out the video – a big announcement, something that I believe has been a long time coming. Tomorrow I will be posting of the testimony in its first foreign language, Spanish, and throughout the year, I will begin posting the testimony in various languages. Praise God, thank you, Jesus. 

We are going to move forward with this testimony, reaching people all across the world. And so I know some of you are not happy about the testimony and some of you are probably not happy to hear that it’s going to be translated in different languages. And as much as I love you, I don’t care. And so I just wanna thank everybody that dropped by this month. That helped me.

But before we leave, I wanna extend an invitation to everyone who does not know Christ, who has abandoned their Christian faith, who is living a homosexual lifestyle, transsexual lifestyle. Perhaps you’re living a pansexual, bisexual, gender fluid, gender neutral, uh, non-binary trans – all of you are welcome to come home to Christ today. He’s gonna accept you where you are. He’s gonna love you, where you are today. You can come home. If you want to. Ain’t nobody forcing you home. You wanna be out there, be out there. He can change your entire life from inside out. Don’t hesitate. Time is winding up. Shall we pray?

Father God, Jesus. Thank you. Maybe there’s one soul. Maybe there’s ten. I believe there is someone you have been calling home. Today is their day. No hesitation, no condemnation, no judgment. We ask that, Father, whoever wishes to come back, steps out on faith and in boldness – that you love them with the same love that you have loved me. In the name of Jesus. I pray. Amen.

Thank you guys for being with me this month. I love you so much. I’m gonna miss you guys. I’ve gotta go back to my life as a session singer. Pray for me and praying for you. My name is Montreea. Goodbye.

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