OUT

Day Four of a Seven Day Devotional for Ex-Gays

UNWANTED

Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake. - Luke 6:22

Ultimately, Satan wants to keep you separated from God and challenge any of your attempts to leave homosexuality or transsexuality. Still, he turns up the heat once you begin to share your testimony. He will try to convince you that now that you’ve been delivered, you will be unwanted. It is a blatant lie that you should never believe, although some days it most certainly may feel like it.

The stage was where I once thrived. It’s one of the few places I’ve ever felt wanted. Women wanted me, and despite my male persona, men wanted me as well. Who doesn’t want to be liked? Our desire to feel special and loved is why Instagram, Tinder, and Facebook are worth so much money. That desire is monetized to a degree we’ve never seen. But what happens when you decide that what the world applauds is not okay? The chances are that the same world that embraced you will now hate you. I’m sorry. It’s true.

Can I be honest? I struggle in this area. I am often discouraged when I turn on the television and see so many people living the life I used to live. They’re so wanted. So popular and so rewarded. Since leaving the lifestyle, I’ve often felt the opposite – unwanted, unappreciated, and without much reward. Sometimes my trust issues with human beings, in my mind, are beyond repair. I don’t feel comfortable getting close to anyone anymore because my assumption is I will eventually get hurt because of my testimony. In fact, I am still coming to terms with the vast amount of unconditional love Christ has for me and how it lifts me when I feel burdened by my cross!

Fortunately, there is someone who wants you. In your loneliest moments, your darkest hour, our Lord, the Christ, will be there. When you have no one who understands the scorn or isolation you feel, He’ll be there. When you are cast aside for the praises of a gay man’s coming out or trans male’s transition – while Twitter roars for them and its algorithm shuts you out – I promise, He will want you. The great part? He’ll even provide you with a support system. I know from experience! The large crowds gathered in gay clubs to hear me sing or deejay have been replaced by a tiny but mighty circle of people who genuinely love me. They pray for me and check on me from time to time. My studio, which once bubbled over with rappers, “thots,” strippers, trans males, drag queens, and drug dealers, is now my haven that is rarely open to anyone. I spent two decades partying nonstop. Now I just need peace.

What do you need? Courage? Faith? Perhaps joy? What is most comforting to me about Jesus is that He and I are best friends, and I don’t have to worry about judgment or Him ever leaving me. In the end, those who walk with Him will be okay – always.

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